What is the first of the three main parts of the universal human mating dance?
This section cannot be skipped by any means. Every successful seduction that has ever taken place at one point began with attraction.
So how do you create attraction with a girl that you just met?
By breaking rapport (rather than making rapport), you’re showing her that you view your SMV as higher than hers. The sub-communication should be: You find her attractive, but you don’t need her and you’re amusing yourself by playfully fucking around with her. This “take-it-or-leave-it” attitude is very attractive to women.
So things that you should be doing during the attraction phase (which lasts until the hook point):
- throw logic out of the window and spark her emotions instead: women communicate via vibe and emotions first and foremost, rather than logic. Thus in the attraction phase, your goal is to stir and evoke her emotions as much as you can. Give her the compliment (pull), then immediately follow up with a slightly unflattering observational tease (push). Tease her, challenge her, accuse her. This is not the time to talk about arid facts, but the time to make her feel something.
- be polarizing and unpredictable: err on the side of too much boldness, rather than too little. Don’t play it safe and bore her with boring small talk, but make it an interaction like she’s never had before. In this phase of the pickup, it’s always better to take the illogical, unconventional but fun conversational thread over the mundane and safe one. Sure, some girls may not like it, but the ones who do will love it all the more.
- have a playful, confident-cocky vibe: having a playful, self-amused vibe is key to letting her understand that you’re only messing with her and not actually being deliberately mean. It takes the edges off the teases. And if you enjoy the interaction by saying stuff that amuses you, then most likely she will enjoy the interaction as well
- keep the spotlight on her at all times: if you didn’t create attraction, then frankly the girl doesn’t give a fuck about you personally. And why would she? Would you care if an ugly, fat girl started to tell you about her life? I certainly wouldn’t. If, on the other hand, the girl below would want to tell me about herself, then I would definitely listen and be interested.
So if she hasn’t hooked, then don’t talk about yourself too much and if you must, keep it brief and put the spotlight back onto her favourite topic, herself. This also means that if you sense that she hasn’t hooked but still tries to make some “token” rapport by asking some boring question that would take the interaction away from attraction, then it is your job to defy her expectations by breaking rapport and giving her that quirky, cocky answer.
- carry the conversation, it’s your job (and be persistent): if you open, then it’s on you to carry the conversation. Don’t put the responsibility onto her, don’t expect her to talk. You have to do the talking in this phase. This is what makes the attraction phase the hardest part of the interaction, you have to be present in the moment and tailor the attraction material/routines that you’ve memorized to her or tease her with the few things you observed about her or that she gives you. A bit like improvised stand-up comedy. If you in fact watch different sets of the same comedian, you’ll notice that a lot of their material is scripted and rehearsed. And even if they’re doing an improv, they’ll most of the time dip into their pool of previous material. Because doing otherwise is extremely hard.
So don’t make the attraction phase difficult for yourself. Watch infields, read the material that’s out there, write down the attraction stuff that you liked and create your own pool of material. Be prepared for every topic the
audience girl throws at you. And if you’re in set and a girl gives you a topic that you haven’t encountered before, then write that down after the set and think about how you spin that into a fun tease or an interesting value-adding story the next time.
Also don’t give up too easily if she doesn’t give you much in the beginning. Daygame is not just opening direct and hoping for the hook. You have to engage her in those first 1-2 minutes. As a man, it’s your job to be persistent. If she’s still standing there, then there is some interest and you should keep going. This infield is a very good example for that. The girl gives him some smiles, but other than that, she doesn’t really give him anything concrete to work with for the first 1:40 min (except for two shit-tests). But he just keeps on talking like it doesn’t faze him one bit, and more importantly keeps it light and playful (he doesn’t ask her any questions besides the original nationality question, but keeps on vibing on that topic). Then after 1:40 min, she finally gives him the topic, which is “Russia”. That’s what I call persistance.
Now, how many guys would have been lazy at this point and said something lame like “Oh, so where are you from in Russia?” or “So what are you doing here now?” or told her about their travel experience in Russia in a non-flirty way. This is the attraction phase so making rapport/building a bridge is verboten at this point, even if you’ve been to her country. So what James does instead here is tell her a tease-y observation/story about Russian culture/people that engages her and displays his personality in a positive way. That’s good game. Unpredictable, teasing (push/pull), a bit of challenging, keeping it about her and engaging her.
Now, I’m pretty sure that this wasn’t the first time he used that story/hard-boiled egg analogy when he talked to that Russian girl. It’s probably a routine that he uses with Russian girls that are a bit tough at the beginning or maybe even with those who are smiley and friendly (it could be used to highlight the difference between those friendly ones and the “typical” Russian girls). And you could also modify that story/analogy a bit and use it for girls from say Finland, by saying that your (or your friend’s) experience was that Finnish girls are a bit shy and closed off at the beginning, but when they drink they become very friendly and warm and gooey and so on. My point is that your pool of attraction material doesn’t have to be huge, you just have to have enough material that can be adapted into any topic that you encounter.
Now that we’ve covered all the things that you should be doing, we can look at two things that are absolutely verboten (I like this word) during the attraction phase:
- approval-seeking behaviour: the girl should ideally perceive your value as higher than hers, and nothing ruins that perception faster than you displaying “please-like-me” aka approval-seeking behaviour. It subcommunicates that you value her opinion of you more than your opinion of yourself. Would a high value man care if some random girl likes him or not? Of course not. So make sure to eradicate all of the following behaviour from your interactions:
- putting her on a pedestal: don’t treat her in a special way just because she won the genetic lottery of being born good looking. Your mindset should be: “Sure, you find her attractive but you’re used to her level of beauty, and if you both don’t click then there’s an equally attractive girl just around the corner”. Assume familiarity, and don’t kiss her ass like every other guy.
- having a rapport-seeking voice tone: keep your voice tone steady and keep your voice low and slow. Talk to her like you would talk to girl that is a bit homely
- smiling too much: because smiling too much = “look at how good-natured and fun-loving I am” = approval-seeking. An amused smirk or a subtle friendly smile goes a long way. Heartiste says it best: “One thing the naturals do well is the friendly smile when approaching women. This automatically sets them apart from most men. But they drop the smile before it gets stale. The smile alternates with the serious face and is punctuated with the occasional cocky smirk — it all plays into the girl’s desire for an unpredictable man.”
- being too agreeable: don’t say “Oh cool!” or “Wow!” at every mundane thing a random girl that you just met tells you. Train yourself to say “ok” and “hmm I see” as a response to the things a girl says to you. Don’t make rapport laugh and don’t overtly laugh at your own jokes.
- asking lame rapport-seeking questions: questions are value-taking and don’t display your personality. She’s heard those same questions a thousand times. I remember a time when I was approached on the street by a girl working for a charity. After a weird open where she was waving at me in a retarded way and smiling a bit too much, she proceeded to bombard me with lame rapport-seeking questions like in the article above. Getting approached on the street is something that obviously rarely happens to me, but even I was getting annoyed fast at her lack of game. Now if she knew a bit of daygame and stacked forward with something like “You don’t look German. You look more Spanish, it’s your brown hair and crazy eyes.”, then I would have been positively taken aback at this unexpected break of social norms and more interested in continuing talking to her. So imagine if you’re a girl and you have to deal with guys who try to build rapport with you too early all the time. Do her a favour and be that one guy that defies her expectations. (*)
So that covers the overall mindset and behaviours you should exhibit during the attraction phase. In part 2, I will talk more about calibration and give some practical tips.
*A little caveat to the asking questions thing is calibration. If you think she’s hooked even though she hasn’t asked about you yet, then I believe that you can ask her open-ended questions that get her talking.