Conversation Ninja by Tom Torero

Recently I’ve been listening to some of Tom’s podcasts (really helpful content overall) and one of them is called “Conversation Ninja”, in which he explains how to hold an interesting conversation. Very helful for the stacking, vibing and investment phase of the daygame model, but also useful in everyday life. There is so much valuable content and tips covered in that short podcast, that I felt the need to write it up as a blog post to keep it in my mind more easily.

So here’s my summary:

– Fundamentals:

  • hold the frame (by leading the conversation)
  • positive vibes (no moaning, no politics, no religion, your positivity should encourage the other person to want to spend time with you)
  • eye-contact
  • low, slow and clear voice (avoid filler words or voice inflections)
  • speak with conviction (own your words)
  • good body language (no leaning-in)

– Conversation fundamentals

  • attraction always comes before rapport

-> in the beginning, instead of making rapport, break rapport using spikes

-> two easy ways of spiking are: teasing and challenging

-> even after the hook-point, when you are in rapport, you can spike it up if it gets too boring

  • avoid interview-style, boring questions at all costs

-> use statements instead, like assumptions with an optional mini-questions tagged at the end (“you look like… Am I right? Do you…?”) or just observations from your life for the other person to reply to (“today, I saw…”)

-> listen to her answer, and stay on the topic with another statement (e.g. she says she studies engineering, you answer “Ah, one of my friends studies engineering. And he never leaves the office… ” and end it with a mini-question if you want (“…are you also one of these workaholics? Do you never have fun? You have this really serious look to you etc.”)

-> useful phrases to “launch” your statements/assumptions: “When I think of… I think of… ; My friend is a/ my friend went to.. and he said…”. Try to name 3 things she could comment on in your statement, 2 of them normal and one a bit cheeky/challenging

  • the best topic to speak about with girls is themselves (get her to talk about herself, let her invest)

-> throw the spotlight back onto her as often as you can (e.g. she asks where you’re from, you tell her and than ask her what she knows about your country)

-> generally ask her what her opinions are on something she asks you about

  • girl-friendly topics are all light (hopes&dreams, drama, travel, adventure, risk)
  • avoid closed questions (questions that can be answered with yes/no or by giving short answers) and use open questions instead (questions that require a longer, emotive answer)

-> for example: How did it make you feel? What was it like? What else do you know? Why did you do…? 

-> stick to 3 simple areas if your mind goes blank: the past (“What was it like growing up in…?”), the present (“What’s the story with you coming/going to…?”), the future (“What are your big plans for the future?”)

– Tricks to get her to invest in the conversation

  • Parroting

-> you just repeat or paraphrase the last thing she said (e.g. she says “I came here to study dance.” and you say “Ah ok, so you came here to study dance yeah”) and look at her expectantly so she carries on

-> sceptical parroting: same as parroting but with a questioning/challenging tone (qualification)

  • Qualification

-> part of the challenging of attraction

->  e.g. “why did you choose dancing/London/…?”, “why are you single? You’re fun, pretty, a little bit crazy, but I like you. Why are you single? Do you murder all your boyfriends?”, “what do you mean by that?”, “I don’t believe you.” or just “why?”

  • Stealth questions

-> statements that imply a question

-> e.g. “I don’t know about you/ how you see it, but when I think of …, I think of…”

  • The vacuum

-> when the girl has finished her statement, just look at her with expectation and shut up

-> using the silence to get her to invest, implying that you’re confident enough in yourself to wait for the other person to respond (qualification)

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